Stop the Spin in Family Court and Beyond

 

People always ask me... what’s the best way to overcome alienation in the court system?  Here's my answer:

In the world of parental alienation, it's easy to get caught up in the idea that the only way to overcome alienation is to prove the cause of alienation.  

However, we forget that there is another option that is actually more effective, and more honest.

Lawyers are paid to argue. Since the causes of things are usually invisible, arguing about the cause of alienation is the perfect way for lawyers to get paid. It never has to end, and nobody will be the wiser. 

Child psychological abuse is the term used in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders to describe the behavior commonly associated with parental alienation. Any competent clinical psychologist can describe the effects of child psychological abuse, but they can only guess about the cause. 

Without measuring the results of court intervention in behavioral terms, alienation behavior is reinforced by court order. Alienated parents are punished for being alienated and wonder how to shift the shame and blame to where it belongs. The truth is blame and shame are toxic in any family system. 

It doesn’t matter who is to blame. We are all responsible. As we focus on our own responsibility to create conditions to reinforce connection behavior, we model the way for our children to stop playing the blame and shame game - with courage and forgiveness. 

Alienation is a complex issue that can leave a person feeling lost and alone. For years, I struggled to navigate the legal and therapeutic systems that were supposed to help me reunite with my children. I spent countless hours and dollars following the advice of lawyers and therapists, only to find that their solutions were not working. It wasn't until I started listening to my own intuition and focusing on my strengths that I was able to make progress.

Whatever you think you have to do in this life, you just have to get to it, because it isn’t going to happen all at once. It is only going to happen when you put a little bit of elbow-grease into it, and give yourself an hour to do that one thing every day for a week for starters.

As a coach for parents since the 1990s, I have seen the devastating effects of alienation. But it wasn't until I experienced it firsthand that I truly understood its impact. I was alienated from my own children for more years than I care to admit. I tried to follow the advice of lawyers and therapists. When I discovered that their advice wasn’t working, I had to make a choice.  Either keep on doing what wasn’t working because that’s what the experts said to do, or trust myself. 

I am a person of faith, and I have seen with my own eyes what can happen when we stop trying to resist evil, and focus instead on taking simple daily actions to develop self-respect. This is the ancient way to give our children a deep sense of belonging with their mother as well as their father, model forgiveness and compassion for the people who share our family story, and restore hope for the future of our people.  

It was at the height of the pandemic when I realized that I needed to take a different approach. I had already spent over $30,000 on legal fees when my ex-wife got an emergency protection order to limit my contact with our children. I felt traumatized and terrorized, and I wanted to give up. 

When I asked to speak to a judge, the mediator said that it wasn’t going to make any difference, and that the judge wasn’t going to change his orders. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Even though it might cost a hundred thousand dollars to see it through, and I didn’t have that kind of money, all I knew in that moment is that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did not take the next step. Again, I asked to speak to the judge. While the mediator thought it was a waste of time, she said, “this is America” and in less than 10 minutes I was in front of a judge. The orders were changed to restore my legal custody. While I still have a long way to go, that was the day I realized that while speaking truth to power is not easy, there is nothing complex about taking the next step. 

From then on, I started learning from new mentors and listening more to my intuition. I developed an evidence validation system, and met my business partner. He helped me understand the legal strategy that is needed to move the court when the lawyers and therapists don’t know what to do. This became a springboard for me to help others claim the authority to lead their family in the most challenging circumstances. We decided to join forces and help other parents master the inner game and the outer game to stop the spin of the alienation they experienced in the family court.

I would be lying if I told you that I am not still terrorized at being separated from my family every day. Every day, I do a few simple things to generate self-respect, and communicate with my children. Where there is a problem, there has to be a solution. And there is always something we can do. 

Now, I am making progress towards reuniting with my children. My experience has taught me that the opposite of faith is not doubt but certainty, certainty that the problem will continue as long as I keep doing the things that have already been proven not to work. If we focus on our strengths with self-respect and empathy, we can help others see the effects of alienation, break the cycle for future generations, and create a legacy of pride for our families.