How to Put Your Family Back Together Again

“Americans, terrorized, flee to Denmark to be married in a time of war - keeping hope alive.” That was the original angle for the human interest story where I was married to the woman who would become the mother of my children on Danish national television. Looking in the rear view mirror on our way back to the train station the day after the story aired, the taxi driver recognized something different about us.

Denmark is known by Americans as the “Las Vegas of Europe” for its wedding industry. We chose the “Top of the Line” wedding in Vejle from a brochure. Arriving by train on a Wednesday, we registered with the authorities and were married on a Friday. The law was, we had to be in-country at least 48 hours before we could be legally wed.

There were other American couples, and also couples from other parts of the world. We all thought the modern package was the way to go, as compared to a castle wedding,  or a country wedding, or any of the other options available. All but one couple were married without any of their family members there as witnesses. 

If there had been no terrorist attack on US soil on September 11, 2001, we would not have had a “Top of the Line” wedding in Denmark. We wouldn’t have had time. What happened was international flights were stopped the day after the attacks. My future bride was supposed to be on a flight from the US to meet me in Frankfurt that day. She ended up on one of the first flights after the bombings. That was weeks later, which gave me time to cook up a plan. 

We had only been getting to know each other for a few months, but I was so impressed with the mind of this woman that I fell in love talking with her on the telephone. I fell in love with the idea of family that we shared in those talks. We talked about the families we came from, and how each of us longed to have children we could care for and provide with opportunities to see the world in a different way than had ever been possible for our ancestors. 

We had a mutual friend who had suggested other ways for us to have babies together, but those suggestions were missing the most important element. I wanted to be a father, and my bride wanted me to be a father too, not a sperm donor. As much as it may have disappointed our friend, we chose to become family with each other in an old-fashioned way, and get married surrounded by centuries-old portraits of White European men from centuries ago in the Vejle Town Hall.  

We had compassion for each other. Our purpose in getting married when and where we did was to affirm our own reasons for starting a family in our own way, independently from the way that our friends and family thought of us. 

What we thought was different about our story from what the news media wanted to report was that we were not afraid. We were hopeful. People see what they expect to see. The broadcast was in Danish. For all I know the taxi driver heard something different, but from the rear view mirror, I thought he recognized who we really were.  

Notice what you remember from talking with the mother or father of your children in a time when the sky was silent. Look for opportunities to share your hopes and dreams and wishes. 

Recognize that you are responsible for helping your children identify with the strength and wisdom they carry on from the people of their mother and their father.  

Respond to common expectations to heal trauma in unexpected ways following an attack by terrorists. Connect the dots between the present moment and the best intentions shared between mother and father in the original moment.  

If you want to follow the old ways, register with the authorities of your ancestral lands. Remember the story of your original moment when you come before the judge. Explain that your only purpose with the court is to realize the promise of your family to your children in the future. If any other topic is raised, restate your purpose. Align all your future actions to provide your children with opportunities to see the world in a more hopeful way than was ever possible before in your family.  Invite your mother and father to witness the ceremony. 


* GODSPEED stands for “Gather Only Data in Sync with the Purpose of Every Excellent Deed.

 

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