Times are hard, but the living is easy

We all have experience with disability. Maybe something invisible, and nobody knows what causes it. Never is the need to be understanding greater than when we just. don’t. get it. 

Blaming and shaming people for acting in ways we don’t understand is not going to make anyone feel better. But it serves a purpose. It makes us feel like we are nobody’s fool. We may not understand what is happening, but that doesn’t mean we give up our need to control the story. We get mad, or get bossy. We tell you exactly why it is not our problem, and why it’s your problem if you think any different.

When someone in our family has a visible disability, or a disability with a name that helps us accept how they are as being part of who they are, we come up with different ways to control the story. 

Let’s say we learn that our sister has autism, or our dad has MS. They do not move and act the way they do to make life difficult for anyone else. They move and act the way they do because they have a neurological condition. We make up a story to make sure that everyone knows about the hard times everyone is going through. But what exactly is so hard?

Why do we spend so much energy trying to get our family members to change? Why do we change ourselves in certain ways that may not help our family members or make them any happier? Why does the story have to be about changing anything? 

All that is asked of us is to simply show up and witness what is happening. The Learning Story is what it is, and it is not about control.

Notice when someone in your family needs help, whether they ask for it or not. Acknowledge where there might be stress in the family system when someone is acting in a way that is not what you would expect. Observe whether when you talk about others you are really talking about yourself. 

Recognize that learning is stressful, and intermittent stress is a healthy part of a Learning Story. Ask yourself whether the stress chemicals in your body have been activated intermittently or continuously for an extended period of time. Trying too hard for too long and a persistent need to control the family story is a sign of toxic stress that interferes with learning. 

Respond by letting go of the idea that you know how anyone but yourself should act. Let people have problems with you, but don’t have problems with them. Let yourself be. Your children, your parents, and all of your relations have their own neurological sensibilities. Let them be. 

We all have disabilities, visible and invisible. If our story has a purpose that goes beyond not being played for a fool, we must give up our obsession with control, and start focusing on interactions that reveal the strengths in our family. Life will be just as hard, but living it will be better. Our disabilities will no longer be the focus of our lives. Instead will be our presence of mind, desire to be understanding, and willingness to help.  

 

* GODSPEED stands for “Gather Only Data in Sync with the Purpose of Every Excellent Deed.”