Following the Old Ways, a Woman's Work Makes the Man

When you are a man among men in the military culture, you have the same right as a woman to take time off surrounding the birth of your child. This has been true ever since the Family Medical Leave Act was passed into law in 1993. To exercise the right, you have to be as strong as a woman. 

Any man in the United States has the right to take leave from work to care for his family without fear of adverse action from his employer. If protection from fear is a right, it is not something an appeal to the rule of law would ensure. The only way to exercise the right is with discipline and mental toughness.

I was employed as a director of child development programs for the US Department of Defense when my first two children were born, and  was born. I remember the raised eyebrows of my boss’s boss when my boss mentioned that I would be taking time off to be with my family when my first child was born. Without addressing me or the issue directly, the message of the more senior manager was clear when he said, “Can he do that?”

A man taking paternity leave to bond with their child was still a newfangled concept. I was a leader of family member programs, traditionally a woman’s role. Not only was I doing a woman’s work, I was also asking to be treated like one. 

Being a gender nonconformist put me in a position where my commitment to my work was questioned by men who had not had the same choices available when their children were born. If it was obvious that my commitment to bonding with my family was from the same deep value for mothers and children that had led to my being a leader in the field of early childhood education, that was not for me to say. Nobody asked.  

Cherokee elder Sol Bird Mockisin talks about how to listen to the unspoken questions, and the unspoken wisdom of different cultures. From what I understand of his teaching, to listen means learning to make what you say match the ears of the person questioning your ways. This is how we learn to make what we say more meaningful to someone whose background in their faith journey may be different than ours. 

Notice what is said and what is not said by both the young people and the elders in your family. What questions are asked of the elders by the young people, and what questions are asked of the young people by the elders? To follow the old ways, young people need to be listened to and heard by their elders if they are ever going to understand what is in common between what will always be true and what is true today. 

Recognize that to follow the old ways and understand what is always true, we must listen to people and ask them questions.  Wisdom may not be  shared if we do not ask for it directly with humility. For young people, unknown help is available for those who are persistent in asking for it with curiosity and respect. For elders, there is a lot to be curious about what is possible for the next generation that was not possible for those who came before.

Respond by listening for the heartbeat, and asking questions to understand what motivates the hero in the elders of the family and the young people. If a person seems like they don't have much to say, asking the right questions shows that we very much want to know their culture and hear what they have to say. 

There is a connection between generations. There is a connection between people from different backgrounds. There is a connection between people whose faith journey may be different from our own. These connections are like laws that are already on the books. They can only do any good through the practice of asking and answering questions. 

When mothers and fathers talk to other people of their generation, they may talk over a child, like the child is not there. As if the child is not already proof of what is possible, we ask each other questions for which we already know the answers. This is not questioning very deeply, and it is not listening very deeply either. 

Learning to make what we say match the ears of those questioning us means listening for the truth they are asking for. It means asking questions to develop an understanding of what we have in common, and answering and asking questions in the same spirit, with curiosity. 

What is it like to be a new person who follows the old ways? It may be that a woman's work is to make the man, but the man has to do the work if he wants to be responsible for the rights of a woman. The work is to listen, and be with the questions. 

 

* GODSPEED stands for “Gather Only Data in Sync with the Purpose of Every Excellent Deed.”