Trauma Response and a missing sock - the struggle is real

Custody battles are about each parent's desire to protect their children more than anything. After divorce, fathers commit suicide at a rate that is eight times higher than mothers. There may be many reasons for this, but I imagine a feeling of powerlessness to protect their children is chief among them. 

When I was first served papers showing a judge had signed the order to revoke legal custody of my children I was in shock. In the United States of America, criminals have legal rights that parents do not enjoy. In criminal court, there is a presumption of innocence until proven guilty but not so in family court. A sworn statement of what one person thinks is in the best interests of a child can serve as the basis for removing a parent’s legal rights without a trial or even a hearing. 

Dr. J. Ronald Lally described the primitive protective urge found in the adults of most species as an overwhelming motivator for the behavior of those who care for infants and toddlers. Protective urges are intense feelings of rage, fear, frustration, and sadness that caregivers experience when they suspect that a family is not treating a child the way they think is best. According to Lally, “Nothing seems to make a caregiver angrier than the notion that a parent is not treating a young child well.” 

In families with a multigenerational history of trauma, the idea that the other parent is not treating a child well may trigger an actual trauma response for both parents. They may feel their only option is either "fight, flight, freeze, or fawn."

In programs for infant and toddler care, protective urges shape the way caregivers think about and respond to everything a parent does or does not do. Of course, the parent has protective urges of their own which can result in heated exchanges between parents and caregivers, and a conflict about what is really happening. An example might be when a parent reacts with concern that the diapers they provide for their child are being used for other children when reminded to bring a fresh supply. Another example is how there might be multiple levels of suspicion and misunderstanding about something as simple as a missing sock. A missing sock can represent lack of awareness and concern for an infant’s needs. On the other hand, either parent or caregiver may feel enraged that the other would think that they lacked the appropriate awareness and concern for “their” baby.

If we think about custody as a protected state for the child, shared custody is challenging because both parents and caregivers experience a sense of responsibility for the child’s survival and well being. This is no missing sock we are talking about. This is about whether the child is safe and cared for, and if you think otherwise, or if I think you are saying that the sock is missing because of me, well that very well be proof that you do not have the good judgement to be responsible for their care and protection. In programs for infant and toddler care, Lally explains how to address issues like this through a culturally responsive process that involves essentially the same steps as writing a Learning Story.  

We can begin using a culturally responsive process to acknowledge the validity of protective urges in family court. Most, if not all of the interactions I have observed being discussed in groups for parents dealing with issues of everything from fathers’ rights and parental alienation and child abduction focus on what the other parent is doing wrong. In doing so, the opportunity to further a family’s Learning Story is lost. Notice that whatever actions a parent might take to protect their child, they are doing the right thing based on the meaning they have made of the situation and their overwhelming need to ensure their child is safe from harm. Recognize that you are not powerless, and that the right you have to protect your child is inalienable. Your legal rights are different from your right to speak and live on behalf of your child’s best interests. In time, your steady devotion may serve as a basis for the restoration of any legal right that may have been unjustly revoked.  Respond to the situation with courage. I think you may be ready to learn more about how the perspectives of both parents can be seen as strengths in your child, and as part of your family’s Learning Story. 

* GODSPEED stands for “Gather Only Data in Sync with the Purpose of Every Excellent Deed.”