"International Man of Mystery" is not on the list of accepted occupations for fathers...

 

"International Man of Mystery" is not on the list of accepted occupations for fathers in most families. It seems like a trope from fiction. Fathers who go down that path are subject to ridicule, and I have to acknowledge there are good reasons for that. It is such a far out idea in comparison to the experience of family court judges in small town America, or anywhere. It’s hard for anyone to believe there are regular people who would live that way and in a court of law, what you want more than anything is for the judge to believe you are a regular person. 

Let’s compare Austin Powers of “Yeah, baby” swinging 60’s fame with Perry the Platypus, otherwise known as “Agent P” from Disney’s Phineas and Ferb. While Perry’s owners perceive him as mindless and domesticated, it is the film audience who perceives Powers as a clown. What Agent P and Powers have in common is they each have their own nemesis in the form of an evil-genius-mad-scientist whom they succeed in thwarting on a regular basis.  

Perry’s battles all happen in the B-plot, behind the scenes. He does what is needed to save his family without any of them knowing about it. On the other hand, Powers puts his international time traveling persona to work in the public arena, which puts him in greater danger in many ways. While we laugh at his commitment to values that come off as superficial and anachronistic, we can rest easy knowing that Dr. Evil is no match for our hero. It’s not in the script. We’ve seen enough of that type of movie to know. 

One of the four must-dos Dr. Warren Farrell writes about for parents after divorce in “The Boy Crisis,” is for the parents to live within 20 minutes of each other. That way the children do not have to miss regular activities to have time with their parents. I had never wanted to be a “Disneyland Dad,” but my family’s inability to follow any of the other items on Dr. Farrell’s must-do list made family time chaotic and unpleasant for everyone. What I wanted our children to remember about their childhood was good times.

Six years ago, the court allowed our children to split time between their hometown with mom in the US and home with me when I moved to Japan. It seemed like a good idea at the time. We were successful in creating some happy memories, spending weeks and months at a time in a daily rhythm together instead of shuttling the children back and forth between mom and dad’s house every three and a half days. We did have some amazing times, even got to climb Mt. Fuji together from the 5th to the 7th station.  

Having spent time on four continents since taking the job in Japan, traveling with one of our children to Africa, and moving back to the States, recent events and the psychological lessons of the pandemic have given me insight about how to be with our children in a happy place following a more traditional script. I am coming home.  

The danger in family court is that the stories that threaten the health of our family identities are not public. They happen behind the scenes. Through repetition in our hearts and minds, the stories pop up in other situations where the public cannot make sense of them. Life is less like a live-action, war-between-good-and-evil, time-traveling comedy, and more like a cartoon family drama where the real hero is unknown, and secret identities must be maintained in order to preserve order. 

Families benefit from a way to present who they are to the world in a way that thwarts the powers of insecurity, fear, doubt, anxiety, and shame that make them retreat into small spaces instead of moving calmly and confidently in the world. It is important to keep the secret identity intact without anybody knowing what it is. At the same time, any one of us could also be known far and wide as a person with the power to thwart our own Dr. Evil, or Dr. Doofenshmirtz as the case may be, on a regular basis. That is the kind of evidence to present to a judge. It’s believable because it is something regular people do all the time. It’s in the script. Especially with Learning Stories.

Learning Stories have the power to focus our attention on evidence of family strengths that are out in the open like Austin Powers, but work in the invisible realm like Perry the Platypus. Let’s identify the qualities of the relatable hero. Notice the way you move and speak. Is your voice tight or resonant? Are your movements continuous and fluid, or jerky and stuck? Recognize that you have a range of ways to express yourself. The fullness of your voice in speech or in song, and the ability to feel comfortable and relaxed in your body is your birthright. You may feel like that has been lost if you are in pain or disabled but it still belongs to you, and there is help available for you to reclaim it. Respond with daily efforts to get the help you need. Expand the limits of what seems possible in your own story, as revealed in your body and mind. Don’t hold your breath or hyperventilate. Breathe deeply. Nice and slow. All the way in, and all the way out, from your belly. Let your body be like an instrument of the invisible.

* GODSPEED stands for “Gather Only Data in Sync with the Purpose of Every Excellent Deed.”